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Top 20 modern Christmas cracker jokes revealed for 2016

A joke about the lack of Brussels sprouts in post-Brexit Christmas dinners has been revealed as the funniest gag in a competition to write the best modern Christmas cracker joke, with a fifth of people naming it their favourite.


Puns about the performance of Roy Hodgson’s World Cup team, Jeremy’s Corbyn’s collapsing cabinet and the hours of Sports Direct workers also made it into the Top 10 list; as voted for by the public as part of a competition by UKTV’s comedy channel Gold to find the best new modern Christmas cracker jokes for the fourth year running.

The Top 20 funniest festive jokes for 2016 are revealed:

1. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.

2. What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About 5 minutes.

3. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone.

4. I bought my mum Mary Berry's cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood's but he'd sold out.

5. What's David Cameron's favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU.

6. Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F.B.I.

7. Why didn't Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole? He couldn't get past Iceland.

8. Why are Jeremy Corbyn's Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed.

9. Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: 'That's some reindeer' he says. The Queen replies: '63 years. Yes, that is a lot.'

10. What's the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they're both a little orange.

11. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful.

12. What's the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch.

13. Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold.

14. Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not.

15. Why can't the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce.

16. I can't get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again.

17. Why is Bob Dylan's sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel.

18. Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie.

19. Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May.

20. Why can't Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.

Amateur comedians and jokesters were challenged to write their own festive funnies for the competition, which were put to an anonymous public vote to reveal the winning gags. The competition was first started in 2013, after a poll revealed that 72% of the nation thought cracker jokes are outdated and seven in ten people found themselves groaning rather than giggling as they pulled their crackers on Christmas Day.

Jokes just missing out on making it into the top 20 included puns about Tim Peake’s stocking, Bob Dylan’s Nobel Peace Prize and Sam Allardyce getting the sack.

So loved is the channel’s classic comedy schedule in the festive season that it has been once again officially renamed Christmas Gold in the run-up to the big day. The TV channel’s annual joke competition celebrates its seasonal schedule, which aims to get Brits laughing their way right up to Christmas with best-loved comedy specials such as The Royle Family, Vicar of Dibley and Gavin & Stacey.

Entries were submitted via Twitter and shortlisted by a panel of Christmas Gold judges (led by comedy critic Bruce Dessau), before being put to a public vote of 2,000 British adults. The top six jokes are included within bespoke boxes of Christmas Gold crackers which were presented to this year’s winners.

Comedy critic Bruce Dessau, who headed up the Gold judging panel, says,

"One thing the British will always be good at is finding the funny side to almost any situation, and it’s no surprise that Brexit featured as one of the dominant topics of this year’s jokes. But it wasn't all about the EU; there were lots of cracking gags, with this year’s news about Sports Direct, BHS and Bake Off also featuring in winning one-liners – all of which will hopefully get the Great British public laughing their socks off, as well as being the perfect way to launch the series of Christmas specials on Gold. This may, however, be the last time we see a cracker joke about David Cameron – but he did manage to make it in at number 5 in the year he left number 10."

Steve North, General Manager of Christmas Gold at UKTV, says,

“We’ve got a brilliant selection of jokes this year – perhaps our best yet! The Christmas Gold competition is a fantastic way to look back at the year, and bring some light-hearted relief to what has been a bit of a rollercoaster for 2016. The British sense of humour is clearly as sharp as ever, and what better way to enjoy a bit festive cheer.”

The author of the winning joke, Laura McDonnell from Edinburgh, received £1,500 towards a holiday and a box of Gold Crackers, one of which will contain her own joke.

All of the jokes voted on by the 2,000 British public are original content to the best of Gold’s knowledge.